Day 9 – Fortunate

Today’s intention is to get into the vacation mindset!!! YAY 🙂

Today, I feel so very fortunate! We are leaving tonight for a fabulous vacation with my in-laws. As part of a very generous Christmas present, they are taking the family to France for a wonderful vacation!!! YAY :). We leave in less than 12 hours — I can’t wait. I love travelling abroad and experiencing new and different cultures and food, but more importantly I am thrilled to go on vacation with our family. Not everyone can join, but it’s always nice to share trips like these with people you love. I am looking forward to the quality time and the shopping, dining, and sight-seeing. Every second will be a reminder of how very fortunate I am to have such a loving husband and an amazing family. Not everyone can say they truly love their in-laws, but I am lucky enough to say I do :). I always wonder how women get through infertility without a strong support network — I know that I wouldn’t be able to get through it without the love and support of my family, friends, and loved ones…

I am grateful for family vacations; a beautiful email from sis-in-law that made me feel loved and understood; my hubby; my friends; my family; sunshine; love; and, happiness 🙂

I love and accept myself!

Day 8 – Stressed

Today’s Intention — Slow down and smell the roses… and pack 🙂

Today, I feel stressed. I have so much going on this week between trying to get ahead at work and preparing for vacation. Leaving for vacation — especially one in which I won’t have any contact with work — always makes me nervous. I know it’s silly, but I have a very large team and I want to make sure that they get everything they need while I am away. I trust everyone, but always feel like I am abandoning ship a little when I take time off. We are much busier that I anticipated, and this week has been intense. Hopefully that means next week will be super quiet and I will return to a calm work place. One can dream 🙂

I also have plenty to do before we fly away tomorrow. I want to clean up the house — I hate coming home to a disheveled house. And, we still have to pack. Packing shouldn’t take too long, but I have to make sure I bring the right outfits. We have some nice evenings planned with our family so I need to pack some dressy outfits. We are planning to head to see Hunger Games tonight and I want to get Kahli bathed, need to workout tonight, want to bring some healthy foods, etc, etc. Yes, the important stuff will all get done, but I am feeling crunched for time.

On the bright side, tomorrow night we will be on a plane headed to Paris!!!! YAY 🙂

I am grateful for vacation; great friends who are watching Kahli; wonderful in-laws for taking us on this trip with them; my hubby for planning our excursion to Venice; getting to see my London-based sis and bro-in-law; feeling rested; and, starting IVF when we return from vacation! YAY

I love and accept myself!

Day 7 – Tired

Today’s intention is to find the silver lining. Yesterday was crazy, and today is already looking a bit hectic, but my goal is to find the happy and focus on it.

Today I am tired. Yesterday was crazy — I worked for more than 16 hours and didn’t get home until around 10pm. I have a lot to do before we leave for vacation for work and plenty to do to get ready for the trip, but I have to remember to stop and smell the roses. Being tired is one of the most annoying feelings to me — I like having a ton of energy and being able to run around to get everything done. This week, it’s not even that I don’t have the energy, I just don’t have the time. I have to make time for important things like getting plenty of sleep and making it to the gym, so I feel strong. On the bright side, travelling and The Perfect 10 Diet go well together. Due to work, I ate out at every meal yesterday, and it was easy to make choices that fit into the healthy plan. YAY!

I am grateful for a comfy bed and cuddly hubby; vacation!; my health; the sunshine; and, a wonderful life 🙂

 I love and accept myself!

Day 6 – Loved

My intention today is to be fully present. I want to stay in the present and focus on the task at hand.

Today I feel loved! I feel loved everyday, but I am feeling it even more today. I spent time with my brother’s fiancé (she’s wonderful) – we went shopping, made a healthy dinner from Anne Burrell’s new cookbook and then played Dance on the wii with my brother. It was an awesome afternoon and a fabulous reminder of the power of a loving family.

Hubby and I also had a wonderful weekend, and are preparing for a dream vacation — we leave on Thursday! We are going to France with my in-laws and then to Venice for a few days by ourselves. It’s the perfect trip to get ready for IVF :-).

I am grateful for a great life; a loving and supportive family; an upcoming relaxing vacation; insurance; my health; wonderful friends; and, my little puggle, Kahli!

I love and accept myself!

Day 5 – Joy

Today’s intention is to enjoy some family time!

Today I feel joy! We enjoyed a great weekend with amazing friends, which reminds me just how fortunate I am. I may have some struggles staying pregnant, but I am blessed with a wonderful set of friends, family, and loved ones. I also feel joy because I feel great! I have been focusing on my diet and fitness since my last miscarriage and it’s really paying off! I started a new eating philosophy called The Perfect 10 Diet — the goal is to balance one’s hormones, which leads to a healthier body and weight loss. You basically swap out all processed crap and sugar and focus on eating organic, real foods including real fats. I have done this for a week, and the results have been fantastic — I feel great = more energy, glowing skin, better sleep, etc and I have lost 5 pounds! YES! This doesn’t just mean weight loss to me — it means that my hormones are finally coming back into equilibrium and I am well on my way to a wonderful IVF cycle in April. Go Team! Even more importantly, I don’t feel deprived — this is definitely not a diet. I am eating real foods and real fats, which means no crazy hunger pains and no crazy food cravings.

I am grateful for my health; wonderful friends, family, and loved ones; my hubby!; vacation on Thursday; and, our upcoming IVF cycle!

I love and accept myself!

Day 3 – Strength

Today intention is — find the happy!

I am feeling strong today! With all the craziness of IVF, the one thing that going through all this has given me is increased strength. You don’t really “plan” to be infertile, and when it happens, you are thrown to the wolves so to speak. At first, I felt helpless and trapped in a maze that didn’t seem to have an end. I just followed my doctor’s advice blindly and felt very alone. Thankfully, very early in the fertility maze, the universe blessed me with a very dear friend who has become my fertility partner throughout this journey. I was a few months into the journey and had just suffered a devastating ectopic pregnancy. Amazingly enough, we ran into each other at the doctor’s office — we knew each other because we hung out in a similar friend circle — and we became instant friends. Although we have different diagnoses, we support each other and have made many positive changes to increase our fertility. Going through this with a friend has given me the strength — I am compelled to read books, research topics on the internet, and ask more questions because I am not only helping me, but my friend as well. As I began to learn more, I realized that even in this frustrating world, I still have control and a lot of power. In the end, it is up to me to ask why and how; I didn’t have to take the doctor’s word as gospel — every patient is different and requires different treatment options. It is easy to get lost in the maze, but it’s important to find your voice and be strong!

I am grateful for SPRING and the beautiful sunshine; for my wonderful friend mentioned above; for friends near and far who make me smile; my husband who always reminds me that I am more than enough; my Jax sis-in-law who always seems to know when I need a quick text or phone call; my BF for always making me laugh; my brother and soon-to-be sis-in-law for welcoming me into their how this weekend; and, for FRIDAY!!!

I love and accept myself!

Day 2 – Envy

My intention today is to enjoy time with friends 🙂

Today I feel envy — 15-20 people I know whether at work, on Facebook, or friends are happily pregnant right now. I am happy for them, but sad for me and envious of their good fortune. You see, I am supposed to be pregnant right now with an ever-increasing belly, crazy food cravings, and heading to the doctor any day now to learn the gender of our little bundle of joy, but instead we are waiting to begin our first round of IVF. Not because I can’t get pregnant, but because I haven’t been able to stay pregnant. Blah! I am envious that most people I know don’t have to go through dozens of injections and doctor’s appointments along with plenty of blood checks and transvaginal ultrasounds for the hope of having a healthy baby. I would never wish this awful disease on anyone, but I hate that others make getting pregnant look so easy when everything I have done to improve our chance hasn’t worked. I am getting used to seeing the complaints about morning sickness, being tired, and getting through a day of work while in late pregnancy on Facebook. Oh, how I dream of those complaints — I am sure I will have them, but I will relish in them because it will mean that I finally have what I want and deserve.

Envy is one of the worst feelings because it so negative. It’s definitely not intentional, but a genuine feeling when what I want so badly seems out of reach.

I am grateful for a beautiful Spring — yay SUN; a fabulous upcoming trip with our family; a great group of tight-knit friends who continue to support me even when I am cranky; my happy husband; my soon-to-be sister-in-law who is planning to stay with us during the retrieval and transfer to make dinner, etc; my great job; and, my parents who want so badly to make everything better.

I love and accept myself.

Day 1 – Frustration

Intention — Today I will find humor and will laugh 🙂

I am frustrated by the lack of answers. We have been trying to have a baby for two years, have been pregnant 4 times, and still have no baby to show for it. The process is exhausting and unfair, but most of all it’s frustrating. I have very little control over why things are going wrong and few concrete answers about what to do to improve our chances. And the things that I can control — diet, exercise, sleep, stress, etc — I have changed in a very positive way, with nothing to show for it. I know that these changes have had the desired positive effect on my body, but they haven’t help me to sustain a healthy pregnancy. It’s frustrating to watch other women get pregnant at will, even when I know they weren’t trying. Sometimes it feels like the universe is playing tricks on my mind or punishing me for something… Beyond the medical frustrations, there are plenty of financial frustrations as well — paying a ridiculous premium for insurance, fighting with the insurance company at every turn, and medical bills piling up. Ugh! I have always been super healthy, taken good care of myself, and have made good decisions, but it doesn’t seem to matter when battling infertility, which of course causes more frustration.

As we get closer to our first IVF cycle, I am focusing on what I can control, trying to meditate and practice yoga more frequently, and to be kind to myself. I am also blessed with a wonderful husband, loving family, and very supportive friends. I am grateful for the wonderful support and all the love that I have received during this journey; my loving husband who is always strong when I am not and who can make me laugh and smile even when I don’t want to; for my family, especially my brother, who has a strength and wit that gives me comfort and makes me laugh until my stomach hurts; for my friends who understand because they are going through this too; and, for my friends who haven’t gone through this, but who help ease the pain by always being there for me. I am also grateful for my puggle, Kahli, who always knows when to cuddle with her mommy to make her smile and who is always there to lick away the tears. Finally, I am grateful to have a great doctor and the opportunity to pursue IVF to make our family a reality.

I love and accept myself!

21-Day Challenge

Today, I am starting a 21-day “emotion” challenge. The goal is to examine how you feel about all things IVF-related. So, for 21-days I am going to blog about how I feel on that specific day and then recount the many things for which I am grateful. Here are the specifics:

1. Everyday set aside 15-25 minutes preferably in the morning to journal.

2. Set your intention for the day…such as “Today I will smile, Today I will only see peace.”

3. Pick one emotion and write about it for about 15 minutes. It could be anger, sadness, envy – write about any negative feeling that is bothering you. The point is to get it out of your system, admit it, and write it down. 

4. Next pick one nurturing item and write it.

5. Finally, write 10 things you are grateful for and finish with the words “I love and accept myself.”

Getting Ready!

My period started last week, which means I will be ready to start IVF when we return from our vacation. We are heading to France and Italy at the end of the month for which I am more than excited, and now I have something to look forward to upon our return home. This month, my period was absolutely dreadful – it was very heavy, and I got an awful migraine on the first day. It was also longer than usual, maybe because of the miscarriage. Who knows?!? On the bright side, I feel great now and am just getting ready – both for our trip and for our first round of IVF.

I have been taking even better care of myself with a focus in my diet and exercise. This week, I am beginning eating a diet that focuses on balancing hormones. It includes more fat — good fat of course — than I am used to eating, but I am excited for the results. I will be eating whole eggs, avocados, almond butter, and a variety of nuts as well as other organize foods. More importantly, I will be avoiding all processed foods, refined sugar, and yucky chemicals! I eat very of these things now, and going forward won’t eat any of them.

Other than taking care of myself, I am getting ready for all things IVF-related. We are good to go with our insurance, my boss knows what is going on and is very supportive, and I have a decent idea of the schedule and protocol. Go team!