Day 2 – Envy
My intention today is to enjoy time with friends 🙂
Today I feel envy — 15-20 people I know whether at work, on Facebook, or friends are happily pregnant right now. I am happy for them, but sad for me and envious of their good fortune. You see, I am supposed to be pregnant right now with an ever-increasing belly, crazy food cravings, and heading to the doctor any day now to learn the gender of our little bundle of joy, but instead we are waiting to begin our first round of IVF. Not because I can’t get pregnant, but because I haven’t been able to stay pregnant. Blah! I am envious that most people I know don’t have to go through dozens of injections and doctor’s appointments along with plenty of blood checks and transvaginal ultrasounds for the hope of having a healthy baby. I would never wish this awful disease on anyone, but I hate that others make getting pregnant look so easy when everything I have done to improve our chance hasn’t worked. I am getting used to seeing the complaints about morning sickness, being tired, and getting through a day of work while in late pregnancy on Facebook. Oh, how I dream of those complaints — I am sure I will have them, but I will relish in them because it will mean that I finally have what I want and deserve.
Envy is one of the worst feelings because it so negative. It’s definitely not intentional, but a genuine feeling when what I want so badly seems out of reach.
I am grateful for a beautiful Spring — yay SUN; a fabulous upcoming trip with our family; a great group of tight-knit friends who continue to support me even when I am cranky; my happy husband; my soon-to-be sister-in-law who is planning to stay with us during the retrieval and transfer to make dinner, etc; my great job; and, my parents who want so badly to make everything better.
I love and accept myself.