Day 1 – Frustration
Intention — Today I will find humor and will laugh 🙂
I am frustrated by the lack of answers. We have been trying to have a baby for two years, have been pregnant 4 times, and still have no baby to show for it. The process is exhausting and unfair, but most of all it’s frustrating. I have very little control over why things are going wrong and few concrete answers about what to do to improve our chances. And the things that I can control — diet, exercise, sleep, stress, etc — I have changed in a very positive way, with nothing to show for it. I know that these changes have had the desired positive effect on my body, but they haven’t help me to sustain a healthy pregnancy. It’s frustrating to watch other women get pregnant at will, even when I know they weren’t trying. Sometimes it feels like the universe is playing tricks on my mind or punishing me for something… Beyond the medical frustrations, there are plenty of financial frustrations as well — paying a ridiculous premium for insurance, fighting with the insurance company at every turn, and medical bills piling up. Ugh! I have always been super healthy, taken good care of myself, and have made good decisions, but it doesn’t seem to matter when battling infertility, which of course causes more frustration.
As we get closer to our first IVF cycle, I am focusing on what I can control, trying to meditate and practice yoga more frequently, and to be kind to myself. I am also blessed with a wonderful husband, loving family, and very supportive friends. I am grateful for the wonderful support and all the love that I have received during this journey; my loving husband who is always strong when I am not and who can make me laugh and smile even when I don’t want to; for my family, especially my brother, who has a strength and wit that gives me comfort and makes me laugh until my stomach hurts; for my friends who understand because they are going through this too; and, for my friends who haven’t gone through this, but who help ease the pain by always being there for me. I am also grateful for my puggle, Kahli, who always knows when to cuddle with her mommy to make her smile and who is always there to lick away the tears. Finally, I am grateful to have a great doctor and the opportunity to pursue IVF to make our family a reality.
I love and accept myself!