Day 24 — Scared
Today’s intention is to get prepared!
Today, I am feeling scared. I got good news from the doctor’s office earlier today. I will begin the cycle immediately after our initial consult on Monday, which means that I stop taking birth control on Tuesday and begin injections on Saturday, 4/28. All of this is very exciting, and overwhelming, and, yes, scary! I am excited to get started, but now that I have more information it’s all so real, and so very soon. I don’t think anyone really plans to go through IVF to have children, so this roller coaster of an experience is, at times, a little too much to handle.
With other things, I knew what to expect, but, for this, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I am scared that my body will over-react to the medications and the doctor will have to stop the cycle; or, what if I only produce 2 eggs; or, what if none of our embryos make it 3 or 5 days, or, what if I get pregnant and have another miscarriage (ahhhh!)? It all boils down to, what if this doesn’t work? The rationale part of me says — it’s okay, we’ll just try again. Afterall, on average it takes 3 cycles to get pregnant – yes 3!!! But, the other part of me — the part that so often rears its ugly head during all of this — the emotional part is just doubting everything. I just want some sort of guarantee that at the end of all of the poking and doctor’s appointments that I will have a healthy pregnancy. Getting pregnant isn’t enough – I have been there many times before — this time, I want a healthy pregnancy! I sometimes wonder if maybe I just didn’t pray or wish hard enough for a healthy pregnancy? Maybe God and/or the Universe only understood that I wanted to be pregnant, but missed the rest of my wish? I just hope this time He hears me loud and clear :).
The key to staying the course is focus. I need to focus on the goal — a healthy baby! I have done everything in my power to prepare my body for this, and now I must trust my body to cooperate. I am going to focus on the positive and feel good about the many changes I have made that will make me more likely to conceive and maintain a healthy pregnancy.
I am grateful for the love and support of my friends and family; for great medical advances such as IVF and ICSI; for an amazing medical team; medical insurance that covers infertility; beautiful Spring weather; my loving hubby; and my puggle, Kahli!
I love and accept myself!