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Day 24 — Scared

Today’s intention is to get prepared!

Today, I am feeling scared. I got good news from the doctor’s office earlier today. I will begin the cycle immediately after our initial consult on Monday, which means that I stop taking birth control on Tuesday and begin injections on Saturday, 4/28. All of this is very exciting, and overwhelming, and, yes, scary! I am excited to get started, but now that I have more information it’s all so real, and so very soon. I don’t think anyone really plans to go through IVF to have children, so this roller coaster of an experience is, at times, a little too much to handle.

With other things, I knew what to expect, but, for this, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I am scared that my body will over-react to the medications and the doctor will have to stop the cycle; or, what if I only produce 2 eggs; or, what if none of our embryos make it 3 or 5 days, or, what if I get pregnant and have another miscarriage (ahhhh!)? It all boils down to, what if this doesn’t work? The rationale part of me says — it’s okay, we’ll just try again. Afterall, on average it takes 3 cycles to get pregnant – yes 3!!!  But, the other part of me — the part that so often rears its ugly head during all of this — the emotional part is just doubting everything. I just want some sort of guarantee that at the end of all of the poking and doctor’s appointments that I will have a healthy pregnancy. Getting pregnant isn’t enough – I have been there many times before — this time, I want a healthy pregnancy! I sometimes wonder if maybe I just didn’t pray or wish hard enough for a healthy pregnancy? Maybe God and/or the Universe only understood that I wanted to be pregnant, but missed the rest of my wish? I just hope this time He hears me loud and clear :).

The key to staying the course is focus. I need to focus on the goal — a healthy baby! I have done everything in my power to prepare my body for this, and now I must trust my body to cooperate. I am going to focus on the positive and feel good about the many changes I have made that will make me more likely to conceive and maintain a healthy pregnancy.

I am grateful for the love and support of my friends and family; for great medical advances such as IVF and ICSI; for an amazing medical team; medical insurance that covers infertility; beautiful Spring weather; my loving hubby; and my puggle, Kahli!

I love and accept myself!

 

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3 thoughts on “Day 24 — Scared

  1. When I feel scared and discouraged of infertility/miscarriage, I look at what the Bible says. Time and again, women were barren and God gave them children. Keep praying, Dear One. I believe that He will fill your house with all the children you want. 🙂

  2. I am right there with you and so are the other IVF women in the world and in your life. I think it’s ok to be scared. It means you really care and are invested in a positive outcome. Focus on what you can control (timing the shots, healthy meals, positive mindset) and hope for the best. I’ll be thinking of you as you move into this next round. Here’s to being below average! And to this being the IVF cycle that sticks.

  3. Thanks, ladies! I appreciate the support and will keep praying and controlling what I can 🙂 I can’t wait to share my BFP with you! YAY

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