Butter, wine, and cake, oh my!
I had a great weekend spent with many of my fabulous friends and my great husband. On Friday night, we went out for our girls’ and guys’ nights out, and on Saturday, we went to a dinner party with 2 couples. Both nights were great fun, but I have to admit, I miss “normal” on nights like these. I no longer drink alcohol, eat cheese, dairy, gluten, or meat (except fish), which makes going to a friend’s house for dinner a bit of a challenge. I never want to inconvenience anyone, so I do my best to eat what I can and not offend the cook. I would never expect someone to try to figure out how to cook for me — it can be a very daunting task at best. I have always been a little bit picky — even before all this fertility stuff, I was a fish-eating vegetarian who typically avoided dairy, but now I am much stricter. I always feel awkward turning down a cocktail… I am just sure the other person is thinking “Oh, she must be pregnant” — yes this is irrational, but it’s always in the back of my mind. I almost want to drink just so they know not to ask about babies. Yes, people should know better, but some people are just a little too nosy for their own good.
The last two nights, I actually ate a couple bites of real dessert, drank a half glass of delicious red wine, and ate fish that was prepared with butter. All three tasted amazing, but then the guilt set in — what if by eating a few bites of decadent chocolate cake, I piss off my ovaries and they decide not to ovulate this month? What if the sugar in the alcohol makes my blood sugar crazy? Or, what if the butter somehow impacts my uterine lining? So, in the end, is cheating once in a while actually worth it? Has changing my diet actually done any good for my fertility? I wish I knew the answer to all of these questions, but I don’t. My acupuncturist always reminds me that I should live by the 80/20 rule — follow my dietary and lifestyle changes about 80% of the time — everything will be okay. This should make me feel better, but I want to do whatever it is that will get me closer to our goal of having a healthy baby. So, if 80% will get me closer, won’t 100% get me even further along? Darn logic!
The only problem with logic in this case is that infertility isn’t logical. Why does one person get pregnant so easily and I don’t? Why can one woman eat/drink/smoke whatever she wants and have no problem at all conceiving and carrying the baby to term? It doesn’t make sense, and I have stopped trying to make sense of it. The rational part of me knows that I shouldn’t beat myself up over a few indulgences, but my rational self doesn’t always win these internal arguments…