Today was my first visit to my fertility specialist since last week’s D&C. It pretty much sucked. I really love the nurses and doctors, but today I felt sad. One of the nurses gave me a big hug — which helped, but almost made me burst into tears — and everyone asked how I am feeling and how I am doing. It’s the first time that I felt a little lost in all of this mess of fertility craziness. When my doctor called to give me the “good” news — my hormones levels have dropped to 400 — he very kindly and genuinely told me how sorry he is for our loss. (It’s the first time I’ve talked to him since the miscarriage.) I know everyone at the office is routing for us, which is awesome, but it also makes our loss even more heartbreaking — like I am letting another group of people down. Yes, I know, I shouldn’t look at it that way — no one blames me and I know that none of this is my fault — but it still feels that way sometimes…
I have to admit when all of this started a couple years ago, I thought it would be an easy journey. How naive of me! Even when we started fertility treatments 14 months ago, I was sure I’d get pregnant quickly (which I did), but never thought staying pregnant would be so hard. People always tell me that I am lucky that at least I can get pregnant. Somehow I don’t feel that lucky. I guess in the big scheme of this fertility whirlwind getting pregnant is a pretty significant part of the battle, but does it really matter if you can get pregnant and still don’t have a baby?
The silver lining — my hormones are dropping quickly, and we have our follow-up sit-down-and-figure-out-what-to-do-next appointment with our RE in 2 weeks. I am excited for our appointment and look forward to what he has to say. I am pretty sure he will recommend IVF, and I am ready for this next step. I am so thankful that we have excellent, albeit very expensive, insurance that covers infertility, so at least I don’t have to stress too much over the financial burden that this causes. Staying positive for the next few weeks, our RE appointment, and our next cycle! There is a baby in our near future! 🙂